a stranger

Hello everybody!

After not writing for a longer period here is again a status from Mr. Coconutyoga, who is dying a little more day by day - but still alive. Sad enough I don`t have any good memories on this phantastic journey, what seems insane to me as I had such a good time. When I just think about the three last months - that was amazing. But it also has totally nothing to do with my life here - if I could call it live.
Well - it`s nothing new in my live - depression and a lack of hope, but i thought I would be able to act differently in between. What is really missing is a home. That`s the only thing what could help me find more peace. But its almost impossible to get even a room without a work. And finding a job is same connected with at least a room. And in Stuttgart it isn`t easy at all to find something. So its not easy to start anywhere and my thoughts are drifting every second from one angle of view to the other. I know myself enough to be sure that under all this there is pure fear and my thoughts are just blocking myself to find ways out of this situation. Well, the insight is important, but what does it help, when I can`t break through it. This thoughts are in my life since I was very young and its more than just knowing about the wrong mind system. I just read something from Eckhard Tolle: The Power of now. And I totally aggree, that the only way to be free is to live in the moment. That was also what just made me often so happy while travelling. Very difficult to change a mind set what is already that etablished in the mind already. And not all of my future fears are just a mind set. It is just difficult. But I know: I make it more difficult and so I got unable to carry it anymore. So I am full of tension all the time and don`t know where to go. I am searching for a place to stay and some work that gives my life sense.
But to be honest: I just think I put it way to far with my travels. Actually I don`t regret what I did. But I learn now more and more that I simply just don`t find a way back. And even don`t want to live here anymore. There was a reason because I left and there was no reason to come back instead to see friends and family and second, that I didn`t found the right oppurtunity to stay in Asia.
The society seems so cold to me, I am unable to see anything attracting in the cities, I don`t want to consume anything instead of basic supply. And I miss the communities, I found in Asia. Well, i know, there are a lot of problems as well, but I felt still so much more connected to the people over there than with most of the people here.
I don`t say I couldn`t be happy here in Germany or anywhere else in Europe. I just don`t know where could be my place, where I am able to breath and that makes my crazy. I would go and fight but just don`t know where is the right place.
Such a rollercoaster life is never boring but it`s often just too much. I was falling like this already a hundred times and sometimes I just don`t know how to continue one single day. I know, its very difficult to be in touch with me at the moment and I hope its getting better.

Bless you,

Mr. Coconutyoga