Good bye!

Hello everybody!

Time for an update. Last time I didn`t wrote about some things. The reason was respect. Not that I lost the respect, but I need to write about some feelings that make life right now very difficult.
So what happened? I came back with a lot of enthusiasm, full of love for Natali and to actually everybody, thought I would work for a while and start for another trip with my love. Well, three weeks afterwards things are very, very different. And I am very sad about that development.
After I came back, I didn`t heared a lot more from Natali. She was very sick in the first time and when I was already wondering what happened and was in big sorrow for her, I got another message from her, what she send my by audio file. She was very ill, but she just said sorry so many times, for not being there for me at my party. She wanted to be present on skype to see my friends. There was no reason to feel sorry at all. Everything else she said have been commitments about her love for me. I was happy again and could relax. But nothing changed, again it was the last sign for her for a while apart from the short message, that she would have to go to China once more. She wanted to avoid that, but she couldn`t. She just told me, when I catched her that single time, it would be here last evening in Argentina before heading to china the next morning. And that was it again. No nice word, nothing.
She connected one more time from China and I know much more wasn`t possible. These trips are just insane. Immediately she has to work after arriving and it didn`t stop for ten days. Even in the night she had to send files to Argentina for her company. That she has stress was never the point. I know, it is fucking tough for her. But I didn`t received any nice word from her anymore. Whyever. I can understand, if she wasn`t sure about changing her life that radically. But actually that was her plan, I never wanted her to change anything. Is it too much estimated, to write some lines from time to time?
When she came back to Argentina from Asia she was very sad. I had the possibility to be there for her, as I was still in Cambodia. But I didn`t felt that different, when I came back. And nobody was there. More and more I got mad about the situation. I can have a lot of patience, but how is it possible, when the contact is getting less and less. And whenever I wrote her a mail, I never received any answer. I didn`t expected a lot, just something.
Anyhow, it put me down and all the enthusiasm to try to make a living from the material I collected while travelling disappeared. That’s only possible with a positive and clear mind. And disappointed as I was, I started to drink and smoke more and more. I couldn`t help myself anymore. Even then I cried every day. What never happened to me before, instead when somebody died or when I was first time in love long time ago. Still I tried to put any pressure from her and I think I did. I was sure, it wasn`t easier for her and I tried to accept the situation. But I couldn`t. And it was getting worse and worse until I was almost finished. I was just very lucky not to get into deep trouble. Especially when I tagged some messages on a very sensitive building in my hometown. I put a lot of anger and sadness in it. For sure one of the craziest things I ever did. Climbing over big fences and hiding from a helicopter, which was flying three times over the building, I had chosen. I was full on adrenalin and finally did it. Afterwards I changed my outfit while running away and climbing a crazy way up. I even passed some police cars and finally flew over the track for the trains. If they would have catched me, I would have been in very big trouble! But I was lucky and there are no regrets. In the end it was also a political action, as this building is a symbol for the “new Stuttgart”, I don`t want to be part of. Heart of Europe…Hahaha…it’s a dead area. And if they realize the new train station, it is getting worse. There would be more offices and more shopping malls and more decadence. The only thing Stuttgart would need are more flats.
That was finally the point, when I was sure I would have to leave the town, before worse things would happen. Anyway I had planned to visit my uncle and aunt and afterwards my parents. To see them again. And to have some time to work on my travel reports.
The situation didn`t got better. I still have no clue what she is thinking or feeling and it`s short before to end. I feel treated in a way, I don`t think I deserve. That`s just unfair. Its not that I didn`t had a lot of understanding for her situation. But mine isn`t better. True is that I have too much time to think about it and also that I have to find a living and a space to live.
All these bad feelings made it much more worse. It wouldn`t have been that easy anyway, but with a more and more broken heart I felt like it is impossible.
For sure I asked her if that means, she already made a decision. But nothing. It`s not that I wouldn`t accept, if she would tell me that it isn`t possible for her to follow her desires and dreams and is choosing security. But couldn`t she tell me? What nfor? Not to hurt me? It hurts like hell and if she really trusted me, like she told me, what can I trust for?
Well it is like it is. And one day I will look back and smile again. I have no regrets, I kept going my straight and honest way of love and I will always be on this track. And if it`s going to kill me one day…who cares. Better to try everything then die like a coward, who don`t believe in real love anymore.
That’s not me.
I really feel not well at all, being back in Germany. If I would have the choice, I would leave again very soon, but that’s impossible. Or it would be mad and probably end in a disaster. At least right now.
So all I can do is to find a living, whatever that might be. I just need to earn money to leave again. I feel like I cannot breath here. I miss the spirituality of Asia, the friendliness to strangers. I hate almost everything about this system, in which money seems to be everything. I don`t want to watch TV, buy any consume goods. I just want to be. And still don`t know how.
Once more in my life I am totally at the bottom. My self confidence almost disappeared completely. A few weeks ago my heart was open and happy and now my heart is almost closed.
I really don`t know how to survive all the crisis in my life, its seems never to stop. Some people told me, I would have to protect my heart better. But that`s not me. This intensity might scare away all the women, but I am not going to change. I cannot. It`s my curse but also my blessing. I wouldn`t be the same anymore wearing a mask to protect me. I wouldn`t feel alive at all. But true is: this is how I feel right now. And I have no clue from where to take the power to continue. But I don`t need just to continue, I need to build up a new life. And I am desperate, not seeing a way, I can follow.
After the next weekend I will probably head back to the south of Germany and hope I will have more luck. I am ready to put a lot in it, that`s not the point. I really hope I will find a way for myself. My own thoughts scare me a lot, one more time I am in an existence crises. I would like to through everything away and simply disappear. But I promise not to give up at that point. But it’s a dangerous situation for my soul and I don`t know if I can take it. But I try hard.
Well, one more thing. I don`t search for any guilt. I think that’s stupid. I might be angry, but I see very well my own mistakes, even when I feel like I cannot act different. But the people who know me can be sure: I might be my biggest defender but also the person, who judge himself the hardest way.
And this blog is not a attention call (well…sure I would take every help I can get or at least try to accept it), it`s the truth. It`s a small gap between life and death. And that`s very scary for me. And not a single event leaded to that situation. I am very disappointed but I am trying not to blame anybody, as I am sure everybody is doing what he thinks its right. Why the hell are we making life that complicated? I don`t think that’s necessary, there are so many important things to fight for, to change the world and change the idea of growing, growing, growing. Otherwise we will have destroyed this planet very soon…
As I wrote this lines already a few days ago, I know can be sure: It`s over. The circumstances have been one more time very disappointing and extremely harming, but I wrote already enough. Everything else is something between her and me or let`s say it was. At least I know now that there is nothing to hope for anymore. Very bitter for me, but I cannot change it.
For me only one thing remains: to fight, because otherwise I will loose everything. Can`t still believe how deep I am falling. But well.
Thanks to everybody, who tried to give my courage the last time, without you it would be even worse. Shouldn`t think about what would have happened then.
I cannot send you love this time, because there is nothing left. But stay true and don`t forget the good times, I was allowed to tell you about. I don`t know if I continue writing this blog. At least not before I have better news.
So thank you for your interest, for 3000 clicks and all the best for you,
I will concentrate in the next time on writing some more reports from my travel and a new political, social critical blog, but both in German.

Mr. Coconutyoga Reflections

Der Scheinwerfer


Yours Mr. Coconutyoga