a stranger

Hello everybody!

After not writing for a longer period here is again a status from Mr. Coconutyoga, who is dying a little more day by day - but still alive. Sad enough I don`t have any good memories on this phantastic journey, what seems insane to me as I had such a good time. When I just think about the three last months - that was amazing. But it also has totally nothing to do with my life here - if I could call it live.
Well - it`s nothing new in my live - depression and a lack of hope, but i thought I would be able to act differently in between. What is really missing is a home. That`s the only thing what could help me find more peace. But its almost impossible to get even a room without a work. And finding a job is same connected with at least a room. And in Stuttgart it isn`t easy at all to find something. So its not easy to start anywhere and my thoughts are drifting every second from one angle of view to the other. I know myself enough to be sure that under all this there is pure fear and my thoughts are just blocking myself to find ways out of this situation. Well, the insight is important, but what does it help, when I can`t break through it. This thoughts are in my life since I was very young and its more than just knowing about the wrong mind system. I just read something from Eckhard Tolle: The Power of now. And I totally aggree, that the only way to be free is to live in the moment. That was also what just made me often so happy while travelling. Very difficult to change a mind set what is already that etablished in the mind already. And not all of my future fears are just a mind set. It is just difficult. But I know: I make it more difficult and so I got unable to carry it anymore. So I am full of tension all the time and don`t know where to go. I am searching for a place to stay and some work that gives my life sense.
But to be honest: I just think I put it way to far with my travels. Actually I don`t regret what I did. But I learn now more and more that I simply just don`t find a way back. And even don`t want to live here anymore. There was a reason because I left and there was no reason to come back instead to see friends and family and second, that I didn`t found the right oppurtunity to stay in Asia.
The society seems so cold to me, I am unable to see anything attracting in the cities, I don`t want to consume anything instead of basic supply. And I miss the communities, I found in Asia. Well, i know, there are a lot of problems as well, but I felt still so much more connected to the people over there than with most of the people here.
I don`t say I couldn`t be happy here in Germany or anywhere else in Europe. I just don`t know where could be my place, where I am able to breath and that makes my crazy. I would go and fight but just don`t know where is the right place.
Such a rollercoaster life is never boring but it`s often just too much. I was falling like this already a hundred times and sometimes I just don`t know how to continue one single day. I know, its very difficult to be in touch with me at the moment and I hope its getting better.

Bless you,

Mr. Coconutyoga

Good bye!

Hello everybody!

Time for an update. Last time I didn`t wrote about some things. The reason was respect. Not that I lost the respect, but I need to write about some feelings that make life right now very difficult.
So what happened? I came back with a lot of enthusiasm, full of love for Natali and to actually everybody, thought I would work for a while and start for another trip with my love. Well, three weeks afterwards things are very, very different. And I am very sad about that development.
After I came back, I didn`t heared a lot more from Natali. She was very sick in the first time and when I was already wondering what happened and was in big sorrow for her, I got another message from her, what she send my by audio file. She was very ill, but she just said sorry so many times, for not being there for me at my party. She wanted to be present on skype to see my friends. There was no reason to feel sorry at all. Everything else she said have been commitments about her love for me. I was happy again and could relax. But nothing changed, again it was the last sign for her for a while apart from the short message, that she would have to go to China once more. She wanted to avoid that, but she couldn`t. She just told me, when I catched her that single time, it would be here last evening in Argentina before heading to china the next morning. And that was it again. No nice word, nothing.
She connected one more time from China and I know much more wasn`t possible. These trips are just insane. Immediately she has to work after arriving and it didn`t stop for ten days. Even in the night she had to send files to Argentina for her company. That she has stress was never the point. I know, it is fucking tough for her. But I didn`t received any nice word from her anymore. Whyever. I can understand, if she wasn`t sure about changing her life that radically. But actually that was her plan, I never wanted her to change anything. Is it too much estimated, to write some lines from time to time?
When she came back to Argentina from Asia she was very sad. I had the possibility to be there for her, as I was still in Cambodia. But I didn`t felt that different, when I came back. And nobody was there. More and more I got mad about the situation. I can have a lot of patience, but how is it possible, when the contact is getting less and less. And whenever I wrote her a mail, I never received any answer. I didn`t expected a lot, just something.
Anyhow, it put me down and all the enthusiasm to try to make a living from the material I collected while travelling disappeared. That’s only possible with a positive and clear mind. And disappointed as I was, I started to drink and smoke more and more. I couldn`t help myself anymore. Even then I cried every day. What never happened to me before, instead when somebody died or when I was first time in love long time ago. Still I tried to put any pressure from her and I think I did. I was sure, it wasn`t easier for her and I tried to accept the situation. But I couldn`t. And it was getting worse and worse until I was almost finished. I was just very lucky not to get into deep trouble. Especially when I tagged some messages on a very sensitive building in my hometown. I put a lot of anger and sadness in it. For sure one of the craziest things I ever did. Climbing over big fences and hiding from a helicopter, which was flying three times over the building, I had chosen. I was full on adrenalin and finally did it. Afterwards I changed my outfit while running away and climbing a crazy way up. I even passed some police cars and finally flew over the track for the trains. If they would have catched me, I would have been in very big trouble! But I was lucky and there are no regrets. In the end it was also a political action, as this building is a symbol for the “new Stuttgart”, I don`t want to be part of. Heart of Europe…Hahaha…it’s a dead area. And if they realize the new train station, it is getting worse. There would be more offices and more shopping malls and more decadence. The only thing Stuttgart would need are more flats.
That was finally the point, when I was sure I would have to leave the town, before worse things would happen. Anyway I had planned to visit my uncle and aunt and afterwards my parents. To see them again. And to have some time to work on my travel reports.
The situation didn`t got better. I still have no clue what she is thinking or feeling and it`s short before to end. I feel treated in a way, I don`t think I deserve. That`s just unfair. Its not that I didn`t had a lot of understanding for her situation. But mine isn`t better. True is that I have too much time to think about it and also that I have to find a living and a space to live.
All these bad feelings made it much more worse. It wouldn`t have been that easy anyway, but with a more and more broken heart I felt like it is impossible.
For sure I asked her if that means, she already made a decision. But nothing. It`s not that I wouldn`t accept, if she would tell me that it isn`t possible for her to follow her desires and dreams and is choosing security. But couldn`t she tell me? What nfor? Not to hurt me? It hurts like hell and if she really trusted me, like she told me, what can I trust for?
Well it is like it is. And one day I will look back and smile again. I have no regrets, I kept going my straight and honest way of love and I will always be on this track. And if it`s going to kill me one day…who cares. Better to try everything then die like a coward, who don`t believe in real love anymore.
That’s not me.
I really feel not well at all, being back in Germany. If I would have the choice, I would leave again very soon, but that’s impossible. Or it would be mad and probably end in a disaster. At least right now.
So all I can do is to find a living, whatever that might be. I just need to earn money to leave again. I feel like I cannot breath here. I miss the spirituality of Asia, the friendliness to strangers. I hate almost everything about this system, in which money seems to be everything. I don`t want to watch TV, buy any consume goods. I just want to be. And still don`t know how.
Once more in my life I am totally at the bottom. My self confidence almost disappeared completely. A few weeks ago my heart was open and happy and now my heart is almost closed.
I really don`t know how to survive all the crisis in my life, its seems never to stop. Some people told me, I would have to protect my heart better. But that`s not me. This intensity might scare away all the women, but I am not going to change. I cannot. It`s my curse but also my blessing. I wouldn`t be the same anymore wearing a mask to protect me. I wouldn`t feel alive at all. But true is: this is how I feel right now. And I have no clue from where to take the power to continue. But I don`t need just to continue, I need to build up a new life. And I am desperate, not seeing a way, I can follow.
After the next weekend I will probably head back to the south of Germany and hope I will have more luck. I am ready to put a lot in it, that`s not the point. I really hope I will find a way for myself. My own thoughts scare me a lot, one more time I am in an existence crises. I would like to through everything away and simply disappear. But I promise not to give up at that point. But it’s a dangerous situation for my soul and I don`t know if I can take it. But I try hard.
Well, one more thing. I don`t search for any guilt. I think that’s stupid. I might be angry, but I see very well my own mistakes, even when I feel like I cannot act different. But the people who know me can be sure: I might be my biggest defender but also the person, who judge himself the hardest way.
And this blog is not a attention call (well…sure I would take every help I can get or at least try to accept it), it`s the truth. It`s a small gap between life and death. And that`s very scary for me. And not a single event leaded to that situation. I am very disappointed but I am trying not to blame anybody, as I am sure everybody is doing what he thinks its right. Why the hell are we making life that complicated? I don`t think that’s necessary, there are so many important things to fight for, to change the world and change the idea of growing, growing, growing. Otherwise we will have destroyed this planet very soon…
As I wrote this lines already a few days ago, I know can be sure: It`s over. The circumstances have been one more time very disappointing and extremely harming, but I wrote already enough. Everything else is something between her and me or let`s say it was. At least I know now that there is nothing to hope for anymore. Very bitter for me, but I cannot change it.
For me only one thing remains: to fight, because otherwise I will loose everything. Can`t still believe how deep I am falling. But well.
Thanks to everybody, who tried to give my courage the last time, without you it would be even worse. Shouldn`t think about what would have happened then.
I cannot send you love this time, because there is nothing left. But stay true and don`t forget the good times, I was allowed to tell you about. I don`t know if I continue writing this blog. At least not before I have better news.
So thank you for your interest, for 3000 clicks and all the best for you,
I will concentrate in the next time on writing some more reports from my travel and a new political, social critical blog, but both in German.

Mr. Coconutyoga Reflections

Der Scheinwerfer


Yours Mr. Coconutyoga

Coconutyoga Travels Slide Show Part IV

Hello everybody!

A little silence around Mr. Coconutyoga. At least in english. As you moght have seen, I created a second blog to put on some reports, but this time in german, as I am trying hard to get some passages ready to try to get it printed. Maybe not tomorrow, but i am working on it. For sure I will need some contacts and even some luck to be able to make something out of it. But at least I am trying.
I just watched the Slide Show and it was the first time i was really smiling since a while. Don`t want to talk at that place about all the circumstances. It`s still to early. I need to make some steps and I have no clue right now, which i should go for. Hopefully that will change soon.
Thanks everybody, who make this time so enjoyable! I might struggle right now, what is part of giving up everything. But I have a treasure in my heart. And soon I will feel it again. I am trying hard.
And now enjoy the last part of this travel:

Coconutyoga Travels Part IV

Much Love,

Mr. Coconutyoga

Nucleus Roots: Still here

Check it out

Fuckin` tough times right now. But what to do? Try to keep me my head up, writing a lot and hopefully it will get better soon.
The pivture below it`s just a gimmick. It doesn`t show my situation right now. But one day i will tell you what happened that evening. Wouldn`t be very wise tot ake about it already now...
Some news should follow in the next few days. Stay true,

Mr. Coconutyoga

Benztown & Friends

great to see you again and for sharing...you are the best friends I could hope for! Thanks a lot!

Hope and Sorrow

Hello everybody!

This is already day 12 after arriving back in Germany. A very intense time and everything changed…again. Not easy right now, even more difficult than I already expected it to be. First a wall great so see my friends and see familiar places. The sun is shining – I would say it`s the best time to be here in Stuttgart and spend time in all the parks and green areas all over the city.
But…
I don`t feel at home here anymore. It will always be a place where I will come back with pleasure, whenever I can. But it`s not my life anymore. Well, my relation to this town was never such easy. There are a lot of bad memories connected with this city, but for sure also great memories. I juast spend already more than 15 years here and it feels that I need to make a move. I cannot imagine to settle down here – at least right now.
To have great ideas is one thing - making them true another. I am still wondering what to do. But I decided to write the next weeks a lot, to focus myself to make parts of my book ready and also create some stories I could send to Newspapers, (Travel) Magazines, Internet Platforms etc.
At the end of the day I am more a writer than anything else. And it`s time to make some final steps towards a detailed report about my journey with backflashs into my past. This is what I am workin on already a long time and the time to make a bi step is right now. That might help me also not to forget how phantastic the last three months in Southeastasia have been… Also I gave a promise. And I am serious about that. I don`t want to wait until I am thirty. At that point it need to be ready.
And yes I want to find a way to continue writing on my next journey, even if it`s very uncertain right now, when I will be able to go and where.
I still try to find ways to place my pictures and the slide shows but I need to focus on one thing now…writing.
I feel not very good right now (to say it very nicely). I feel very strange and know there is no way back to my former life. That might be a little scary but I wanted to change my live…and I did. And I feel the old feelins calling my back to a life I don`t want to lead anymore. I would even say that`s impossible.
As you mkight have seen already, I created a FB-Fanpage. That should make the contact easier and there is place for any kind of idea…check the Info Page!
Natali is right now in China on another short but crazy exhausting Buisiness-Trip. And it`s not easy at all for her. As I am struggling with having no structure and don`t know what will happen the next months, for her is opposite. She need to work all the time, there is no space for reflection, for taking a breath and getting peace to think again about all what happened with us.
Whatever she will decide… I will not be angry in any way. She need to make a decision for herself first. So many people on this earth, who don`t believe in love and feel responsible to tell people, who are trying to make it possible. That’s the only thin that makes my very sad. Love is everything to heal our souls and to act in a nice way.
Not easy to have any patience right now as my feelings are so intense and sometimes hard to stand. But whatever she choose – she will always be in my heart. Love is a gift and I don`t take it back. I have no expectations anymore – but I didn`t gave up. Why should I – we both have been sure it will not be easy. I made my choice and nothing can change it. Everything else is just private. I just wanted to give a little insight.
My live keeps being challenging and it`s not easy right now. But still better to live intense and fall down from time to time, instead not to try everything to live to the fullest.
Greetings to everybody, who is with me… Thank you!!!

Yours,

Mr. Coconutyoga

Home

Part I: End of the road – Munich to Stuttgart

Hello everybody!

I am right now on the last step of this long and crazy but also often nice journey back home. I still cannot believe it. I see Germany outside but I almost don`t recognize it. I feel absolutely like a stranger. But this will change and I am looking forward to see all my friends again. One friend – Christoph, who shared with my 3 weeks in Thailand and one in Laos - even offered me to stay in his flat for two months without paying… Phantastic. I can really tell myself a lucky bastard right now… Why not? It hasn`t been always like this – to say it in a nice way ;-) That gives me a lot of space for developing my ideas. I now this will be tough. It`s one thing to have great ideas another one to make them true. I have my doubts for sure but I am not afraid. Or let`s say not to much.
The last night I stayed in Munich at Boris Place, my friend I know from Goa. That was great. In around two hours I will see Benztown again. I am excited what kind of feelings are awaiting me there this time. The first stopover I felt like I lost my home, the second one I felt like settling down again and now? Let`s see…
Tomorrow I will have a little Party at another friends place and I am looking forward to it. I hope I have still some energy left then.
I feel like travelling since 6 days even when I had a short stop in Siem Raep, Bangkok and now Munich. But I am really happy when its over very soon. And my day in Angkor and Siem Raep with Mr. T was nice but not a real break. In Bangkok the same, because of the New Year Celebration. Crazy, I can tell you. I haven`t seen anything like this ever. So many people, Water from all sides, Techno Beats, colors, Joy and Madness. Glad, that I have seen that, even when it made it almost impossible to get the things, I wanted to buy there. But all good.
(…)

Part II: back in Benztown: a stranger in a familiar area

Well. Now I am already back in Stuttgart since a few days. So many intense feelings. First I went to my good friend Christoph and the joy was big. I stayed some hours before I went to visit another very good friends. Turned out he is in big big trouble. It might be even a question about life and death… Can`t put any more details but I was shocked, even if it doesn`t surprised me that much. We talked a lot and I spend finally the night there.
The next day I got the key of my best friend and his girlfriend to prepare the party, I already planned in Cambodia. I thaught it would be better to have this party as soon as possible this time. I was quite tired and jetlagged but also looking forward to see all these good people. It hasn`t been such a big crowd, but the right people have been there. For sure some people have been missing but it was all right. I enjoyed a lot to see my friends and share same stories. For sure it wasn`t possible to talk to everyone like I wanted to. But it was just a start.
Thanks to Martino, Arthur, Dieter, Sarah & Cedric, Tamara & Kai, Daniel, Markus, Anne, Christoph, Gilad and Sebbe!!! You made it easier to reach here.
But still I am not fully here. No wonder after this crazy long journey including jetlag. And the month before was great but also very very intense. And what a culture gap again. The people look again, if I was falling from the sky…and they aren`t that wrong 
The time difference to Argentina isn`t anymore crazy 10 hours but still 5. That`s a real challenge. I miss Natali like crazy but we both try to focus on our things to see again as soon as possible!
My feelings are a rollercoaster right now and for sure I am afraid. But I try everything to transform this tension into energy, but it`s still a way. Ideas for the next time will follow soon.
The day after we went like old tradition to see the soccer match of the local soccer club, what ended in the city like always. Another long day after a few hours of sleep.
Yesterday I was just crushed and tried to recover. But sleeping is not the easiest thing right now.
I feel still like a stranger and it will need some time to reach the bottom.
I am struggeling right now but I am not blaming anybody for it. Would be stupid!
Thank you one more time for being interested in my life and my special way I am choosing all the time. I love you!!! You make it doable, how difficult it will be. I am looking forward to see you all again. Stay true out there and news are following soon!!!

Much love from Mr. Coconutyoga