Hello everybody!
Hope you are fine out there. A lot of change occurred since my last blog entry. Meanwhile I was able to find a room and a job as well. Finally everything went very fast when I already thought everything would go to an end, as I felt like dying every day a little more. I was filled with fear about the future.
I was almost unable to do any step in any direction. Then I found a job back in the work with disabled people. The situation was still surreal. I had a job but still no place to stay. Crazy situation… And really very difficult to find something in Stuttgart, as there aren`t enough flats and at the same time the city has a lot of jobs to offer. But I was lucky and was able to find a nice room as well.
So I am back in life… Or I should be. After one week I can already tell, that the new job isn`t that nice at all. Most of the people I have to take care of aren`t able to communicate properly and some are aggressive at all. There is a lot of work to do, what isn`t that bad, but the working conditions are not nice at all. Well, I only have a six-month contract and I will try my best to make it work for me. Let`s see.
But I am trapped in my mind one more time. After at least six weeks of pure fear I am just not able to come down from this stress level. No way to relax like that.
What is even more difficult is the situation, that I really don`t want to live only here in Germany anymore. I miss the friendliness of Asia, the smiles, the smell, the devotion and the contact to people who disagree with the western life style and much more things. But here are my friends and family. I feel like divided between two worlds. I am not really here mentally, feels like some part of me is still in Asia. For sure – just leaving to Asia is impossible right now and wouldn`t change my mind. The reality is, that I need to earn a living again and I still need to discover a way, how to make money abroad as well.
I don`t see any sense in this consumer hell in the “western world”. Again I don`t see any space for me. I am sure there are some hidden places, I could accept for myself, but I need to find them.
I just watched “in to the wild” again. I love this movie. Also the book is absolutely to recommend. Well, my I don`t want to lose contact to other people, but I also need to separate myself more and more. Maybe I understand too well, why the main character (based on a true story) went so far on his search for the essence of live. I am like that, too. But I totally lost my track at the moment and I don`t understand anything about the “normal” life.
Maybe I pushed my travels and the separation from my old life too far and now I need to get back on the track as quick as possible. Otherwise I don`t have much hope. Sounds very disturbing, but that’s the truth. I hate almost everything about my life right now and I am very sad, that I cannot be a better friend for the great people I know and a better son. I just cannot take anymore these ups and downs that determinate my life and I don`t see a way out. I know, that’s hard to handle for everybody who knows and likes me, but I just don`t know how to go through another period like this again. The sun is shining, a lot of people a happy and I am just complaining. That makes me separate myself even more. Everybody has his struggles and most of the people are challenging it. Well, these aren`t any new problems in my live, but if I can`t find a way to live my life in a different way, I am unable to continue. And I want to live!!!
Crazy enough I cannot access to the feelings I had while travelling. That is very, very sad. I had such good times but like often in my life fear and stress are blocking most of the time the memories. What a shame. That could give me a lot of power. But maybe I just need more time.
I am thinking a lot about a different kind of life and how to make it happen. I don`t know if I can manage that alone. But I will try!
And yes, if I can go through this fuckin` difficult time, I will manage to come back to Asia. More and more I think my place could be there.
Wish you the best, yours,
Mr. Coconutyoga
