Guess who`s back...

Hello everybody!

Hope you are good out there! After a longer period of silence (at least on this blog) the good news first:

Mr. Coconutyoga is still alive...

Some months ago I wasn`t sure, if i would continue writing or if all what happened only remain as a sad illusion former days. Heavy storms came over Coconutyoga`s World. Sometimes that`s the prize for flying to high. But better to crash after flying, then never trying it. I felt totally free, when I ended my journeys.

Anyhow - I regained strength and I am supposed to continue travelling. But not sure yet.

As my experiences while travelling even amplyfied my doubts about capitalism and the ability of humans to change their attitude towards saving the enviromental systems, it was necessary to find a way to express these thoughts and try to get people to think about the problems and possibilities of these challenging times.

So I started on May, the fourteenth, to write with some friends a political blog. Funny enough - one day later the spanish 15M-Movement occupied the square in Madrid. That time i had no clue about it and I heared about the events there much later, as there is not much broadcasting - at least in the etablished media.

Exactly thatswhy I am still writing it - to offer another view based on mainly independent media. It takes a lot to read all this stuff and pick the most important information and to comment them.

But it doesn`t remained "just" a virtual effort. I am part of a little Occupy-Group here in Stuttgart, Germany.

But it`s quite difficult here, as there are already protests against another project already since more than a year. Anyway, a very interesting experience. It is very challenging to get decisions based on real democracy, but it`s more than worth it. People start to talk wit each other again and everybody is challenged to learn and grow.

Occupy Wall Street has spreaded all over the U.S. It`s obvious that the challenges there are much bigger than in germany and the police as well is acting very different and sometimes extremely violent.

Greetings to the movement over there, stay strong! But not only in Europe and the US, no, all over the world there are people trying to express solidarity and gather to discuss challenges and possible chenges, to find agreements and slowly start to express their demands. But that will still take a while. If the politicans would have found solutions in years, there wouldn`t be a need for this kind of protest!

So we need a long breath to reach our goals - step by step.

But even if there wasn`t enough media reports about the protesting corwd worldwide on the 15th of October  it was a big sign...

And that was just the beginning! In Frankfurt there are 100 tents in front of the European Central Bank. I have been there too, its a very motivating crowd. The Occupy-Movement is more and more spreading to the consciousness of much more people. In Berlin there is finally a new camp, too.

That`s it so far about politics. It`s thatswhy very interesting for me, as this could be something that keeps me in the western world - if i have the feeling to be needed here. But don`t be sacred. This will be remain a personal blog...

I finished meanwhile the first edition of my book, what is including my travels, but also my challenging past. So it will take at least until christmas to get it to a state, when i can offer it to readers. I would love to see also an english edition. But let`s see. Step by step!

After finishing that project I will by tempted to visit asia again. I feel like this will happen, but I explained already under which conditions that could change. If I go i will visit my beloved INDIA again. Still haven`t seen Varanasi and there are still so much wonderful places to see. There aremore plans in my brain but I won`t release them now. The tiger needs to rest... ;-)

I failed to keep in contact with a lot of people, but maybe you can understand it now - as you have a little picture what is going on in my life. But I think about you and eveerybody i met remains in my heart.

It is so nice that peopleare awakening. And as most of the people I still have to do a lot of steps towards real freedom, but I am onmy way.

I wish you all the best and will keep you updatet from now on what is developing in the next time. These are exciting times - no question...
As i love it deeply i want to share "RAP NEWS".One of the most innovate productions I have seen so far. Pefect mix of satiric and serious message!

Much love from

Mr. Coconutyoga

Pictures

Favorite Pictures

back to life?

Hello everybody!

Hope you are fine out there. A lot of change occurred since my last blog entry. Meanwhile I was able to find a room and a job as well. Finally everything went very fast when I already thought everything would go to an end, as I felt like dying every day a little more. I was filled with fear about the future.
I was almost unable to do any step in any direction. Then I found a job back in the work with disabled people. The situation was still surreal. I had a job but still no place to stay. Crazy situation… And really very difficult to find something in Stuttgart, as there aren`t enough flats and at the same time the city has a lot of jobs to offer. But I was lucky and was able to find a nice room as well.
So I am back in life… Or I should be. After one week I can already tell, that the new job isn`t that nice at all. Most of the people I have to take care of aren`t able to communicate properly and some are aggressive at all. There is a lot of work to do, what isn`t that bad, but the working conditions are not nice at all. Well, I only have a six-month contract and I will try my best to make it work for me. Let`s see.
But I am trapped in my mind one more time. After at least six weeks of pure fear I am just not able to come down from this stress level. No way to relax like that.
What is even more difficult is the situation, that I really don`t want to live only here in Germany anymore. I miss the friendliness of Asia, the smiles, the smell, the devotion and the contact to people who disagree with the western life style and much more things. But here are my friends and family. I feel like divided between two worlds. I am not really here mentally, feels like some part of me is still in Asia. For sure – just leaving to Asia is impossible right now and wouldn`t change my mind. The reality is, that I need to earn a living again and I still need to discover a way, how to make money abroad as well.
I don`t see any sense in this consumer hell in the “western world”. Again I don`t see any space for me. I am sure there are some hidden places, I could accept for myself, but I need to find them.
I just watched “in to the wild” again. I love this movie. Also the book is absolutely to recommend. Well, my I don`t want to lose contact to other people, but I also need to separate myself more and more. Maybe I understand too well, why the main character (based on a true story) went so far on his search for the essence of live. I am like that, too. But I totally lost my track at the moment and I don`t understand anything about the “normal” life.
Maybe I pushed my travels and the separation from my old life too far and now I need to get back on the track as quick as possible. Otherwise I don`t have much hope. Sounds very disturbing, but that’s the truth. I hate almost everything about my life right now and I am very sad, that I cannot be a better friend for the great people I know and a better son. I just cannot take anymore these ups and downs that determinate my life and I don`t see a way out. I know, that’s hard to handle for everybody who knows and likes me, but I just don`t know how to go through another period like this again. The sun is shining, a lot of people a happy and I am just complaining. That makes me separate myself even more. Everybody has his struggles and most of the people are challenging it. Well, these aren`t any new problems in my live, but if I can`t find a way to live my life in a different way, I am unable to continue. And I want to live!!!
Crazy enough I cannot access to the feelings I had while travelling. That is very, very sad. I had such good times but like often in my life fear and stress are blocking most of the time the memories. What a shame. That could give me a lot of power. But maybe I just need more time.
I am thinking a lot about a different kind of life and how to make it happen. I don`t know if I can manage that alone. But I will try!
And yes, if I can go through this fuckin` difficult time, I will manage to come back to Asia. More and more I think my place could be there.
Wish you the best, yours,

Mr. Coconutyoga

a stranger

Hello everybody!

After not writing for a longer period here is again a status from Mr. Coconutyoga, who is dying a little more day by day - but still alive. Sad enough I don`t have any good memories on this phantastic journey, what seems insane to me as I had such a good time. When I just think about the three last months - that was amazing. But it also has totally nothing to do with my life here - if I could call it live.
Well - it`s nothing new in my live - depression and a lack of hope, but i thought I would be able to act differently in between. What is really missing is a home. That`s the only thing what could help me find more peace. But its almost impossible to get even a room without a work. And finding a job is same connected with at least a room. And in Stuttgart it isn`t easy at all to find something. So its not easy to start anywhere and my thoughts are drifting every second from one angle of view to the other. I know myself enough to be sure that under all this there is pure fear and my thoughts are just blocking myself to find ways out of this situation. Well, the insight is important, but what does it help, when I can`t break through it. This thoughts are in my life since I was very young and its more than just knowing about the wrong mind system. I just read something from Eckhard Tolle: The Power of now. And I totally aggree, that the only way to be free is to live in the moment. That was also what just made me often so happy while travelling. Very difficult to change a mind set what is already that etablished in the mind already. And not all of my future fears are just a mind set. It is just difficult. But I know: I make it more difficult and so I got unable to carry it anymore. So I am full of tension all the time and don`t know where to go. I am searching for a place to stay and some work that gives my life sense.
But to be honest: I just think I put it way to far with my travels. Actually I don`t regret what I did. But I learn now more and more that I simply just don`t find a way back. And even don`t want to live here anymore. There was a reason because I left and there was no reason to come back instead to see friends and family and second, that I didn`t found the right oppurtunity to stay in Asia.
The society seems so cold to me, I am unable to see anything attracting in the cities, I don`t want to consume anything instead of basic supply. And I miss the communities, I found in Asia. Well, i know, there are a lot of problems as well, but I felt still so much more connected to the people over there than with most of the people here.
I don`t say I couldn`t be happy here in Germany or anywhere else in Europe. I just don`t know where could be my place, where I am able to breath and that makes my crazy. I would go and fight but just don`t know where is the right place.
Such a rollercoaster life is never boring but it`s often just too much. I was falling like this already a hundred times and sometimes I just don`t know how to continue one single day. I know, its very difficult to be in touch with me at the moment and I hope its getting better.

Bless you,

Mr. Coconutyoga

Good bye!

Hello everybody!

Time for an update. Last time I didn`t wrote about some things. The reason was respect. Not that I lost the respect, but I need to write about some feelings that make life right now very difficult.
So what happened? I came back with a lot of enthusiasm, full of love for Natali and to actually everybody, thought I would work for a while and start for another trip with my love. Well, three weeks afterwards things are very, very different. And I am very sad about that development.
After I came back, I didn`t heared a lot more from Natali. She was very sick in the first time and when I was already wondering what happened and was in big sorrow for her, I got another message from her, what she send my by audio file. She was very ill, but she just said sorry so many times, for not being there for me at my party. She wanted to be present on skype to see my friends. There was no reason to feel sorry at all. Everything else she said have been commitments about her love for me. I was happy again and could relax. But nothing changed, again it was the last sign for her for a while apart from the short message, that she would have to go to China once more. She wanted to avoid that, but she couldn`t. She just told me, when I catched her that single time, it would be here last evening in Argentina before heading to china the next morning. And that was it again. No nice word, nothing.
She connected one more time from China and I know much more wasn`t possible. These trips are just insane. Immediately she has to work after arriving and it didn`t stop for ten days. Even in the night she had to send files to Argentina for her company. That she has stress was never the point. I know, it is fucking tough for her. But I didn`t received any nice word from her anymore. Whyever. I can understand, if she wasn`t sure about changing her life that radically. But actually that was her plan, I never wanted her to change anything. Is it too much estimated, to write some lines from time to time?
When she came back to Argentina from Asia she was very sad. I had the possibility to be there for her, as I was still in Cambodia. But I didn`t felt that different, when I came back. And nobody was there. More and more I got mad about the situation. I can have a lot of patience, but how is it possible, when the contact is getting less and less. And whenever I wrote her a mail, I never received any answer. I didn`t expected a lot, just something.
Anyhow, it put me down and all the enthusiasm to try to make a living from the material I collected while travelling disappeared. That’s only possible with a positive and clear mind. And disappointed as I was, I started to drink and smoke more and more. I couldn`t help myself anymore. Even then I cried every day. What never happened to me before, instead when somebody died or when I was first time in love long time ago. Still I tried to put any pressure from her and I think I did. I was sure, it wasn`t easier for her and I tried to accept the situation. But I couldn`t. And it was getting worse and worse until I was almost finished. I was just very lucky not to get into deep trouble. Especially when I tagged some messages on a very sensitive building in my hometown. I put a lot of anger and sadness in it. For sure one of the craziest things I ever did. Climbing over big fences and hiding from a helicopter, which was flying three times over the building, I had chosen. I was full on adrenalin and finally did it. Afterwards I changed my outfit while running away and climbing a crazy way up. I even passed some police cars and finally flew over the track for the trains. If they would have catched me, I would have been in very big trouble! But I was lucky and there are no regrets. In the end it was also a political action, as this building is a symbol for the “new Stuttgart”, I don`t want to be part of. Heart of Europe…Hahaha…it’s a dead area. And if they realize the new train station, it is getting worse. There would be more offices and more shopping malls and more decadence. The only thing Stuttgart would need are more flats.
That was finally the point, when I was sure I would have to leave the town, before worse things would happen. Anyway I had planned to visit my uncle and aunt and afterwards my parents. To see them again. And to have some time to work on my travel reports.
The situation didn`t got better. I still have no clue what she is thinking or feeling and it`s short before to end. I feel treated in a way, I don`t think I deserve. That`s just unfair. Its not that I didn`t had a lot of understanding for her situation. But mine isn`t better. True is that I have too much time to think about it and also that I have to find a living and a space to live.
All these bad feelings made it much more worse. It wouldn`t have been that easy anyway, but with a more and more broken heart I felt like it is impossible.
For sure I asked her if that means, she already made a decision. But nothing. It`s not that I wouldn`t accept, if she would tell me that it isn`t possible for her to follow her desires and dreams and is choosing security. But couldn`t she tell me? What nfor? Not to hurt me? It hurts like hell and if she really trusted me, like she told me, what can I trust for?
Well it is like it is. And one day I will look back and smile again. I have no regrets, I kept going my straight and honest way of love and I will always be on this track. And if it`s going to kill me one day…who cares. Better to try everything then die like a coward, who don`t believe in real love anymore.
That’s not me.
I really feel not well at all, being back in Germany. If I would have the choice, I would leave again very soon, but that’s impossible. Or it would be mad and probably end in a disaster. At least right now.
So all I can do is to find a living, whatever that might be. I just need to earn money to leave again. I feel like I cannot breath here. I miss the spirituality of Asia, the friendliness to strangers. I hate almost everything about this system, in which money seems to be everything. I don`t want to watch TV, buy any consume goods. I just want to be. And still don`t know how.
Once more in my life I am totally at the bottom. My self confidence almost disappeared completely. A few weeks ago my heart was open and happy and now my heart is almost closed.
I really don`t know how to survive all the crisis in my life, its seems never to stop. Some people told me, I would have to protect my heart better. But that`s not me. This intensity might scare away all the women, but I am not going to change. I cannot. It`s my curse but also my blessing. I wouldn`t be the same anymore wearing a mask to protect me. I wouldn`t feel alive at all. But true is: this is how I feel right now. And I have no clue from where to take the power to continue. But I don`t need just to continue, I need to build up a new life. And I am desperate, not seeing a way, I can follow.
After the next weekend I will probably head back to the south of Germany and hope I will have more luck. I am ready to put a lot in it, that`s not the point. I really hope I will find a way for myself. My own thoughts scare me a lot, one more time I am in an existence crises. I would like to through everything away and simply disappear. But I promise not to give up at that point. But it’s a dangerous situation for my soul and I don`t know if I can take it. But I try hard.
Well, one more thing. I don`t search for any guilt. I think that’s stupid. I might be angry, but I see very well my own mistakes, even when I feel like I cannot act different. But the people who know me can be sure: I might be my biggest defender but also the person, who judge himself the hardest way.
And this blog is not a attention call (well…sure I would take every help I can get or at least try to accept it), it`s the truth. It`s a small gap between life and death. And that`s very scary for me. And not a single event leaded to that situation. I am very disappointed but I am trying not to blame anybody, as I am sure everybody is doing what he thinks its right. Why the hell are we making life that complicated? I don`t think that’s necessary, there are so many important things to fight for, to change the world and change the idea of growing, growing, growing. Otherwise we will have destroyed this planet very soon…
As I wrote this lines already a few days ago, I know can be sure: It`s over. The circumstances have been one more time very disappointing and extremely harming, but I wrote already enough. Everything else is something between her and me or let`s say it was. At least I know now that there is nothing to hope for anymore. Very bitter for me, but I cannot change it.
For me only one thing remains: to fight, because otherwise I will loose everything. Can`t still believe how deep I am falling. But well.
Thanks to everybody, who tried to give my courage the last time, without you it would be even worse. Shouldn`t think about what would have happened then.
I cannot send you love this time, because there is nothing left. But stay true and don`t forget the good times, I was allowed to tell you about. I don`t know if I continue writing this blog. At least not before I have better news.
So thank you for your interest, for 3000 clicks and all the best for you,
I will concentrate in the next time on writing some more reports from my travel and a new political, social critical blog, but both in German.

Mr. Coconutyoga Reflections

Der Scheinwerfer


Yours Mr. Coconutyoga